I Know Exactly How She Feels

Last night David and I went to a movie instead of putting the kids to bed.  (But that's a post for another day.)

So this morning Olivia quietly said, "I finished my book last night, Mom."

"Oh, Livy."  (I knew it was the last one in the Laura Ingalls series.)

The tears ran down her cheeks.

"Are you a little bit heartbroken?"

She nodded and we sniffed a little together.

This is the sweetest kind of sorrow...the hot, tender heart in your chest as you read the last page in a book that has become your friend.

Bereft and grateful, at the same time.

In love and full of grief.

There is really nothing like a good book.  And nothing quite like the vulnerable, lonely, poignant feelings of it being over.  I told her that all my favorite books make me cry when they're over.

Word of the Week: Peregrinate

peregrinate  /vt./  to make or go on a journey.  to move about and travel at random, especially over a wide area.  journey.  gallivant or rove.  ramble.  roam.  traipse.  wander.  meander.  gad.

peregrinate  /vt./  1.  This word makes me wonder which came first, the falcon or the verb, but either way we did our share of peregrinating this week.  Which is easily done when you are married to the man I am.  I often have dreams where he suggests we drive to far-off places like Maine for the weekend, and when I report these to David he just smiles and then quietly pulls out his road atlas to check the possibilities.  Incidentally, I haven't failed to notice the little "grin" right smack in the middle of this word. 

peregrinate  /vt./  2.  The kids had fall break this week, which means, unbelievably, that we've made it through the first quarter of school.  Thank heavens.  To celebrate this monumental accomplishment, we decided to peregrinate to Utah to go to the BYU homecoming game.  Yes, despite the downwardly peregrinating stock market and the troubled economy, we filled our car with gas and hit the road.  This was all David's brilliant idea of course, and one of the best trips we've taken.  We had sun and snow and family and football and real fall.  Peregrinating at its best.

peregrinate  /vt./  3.  On Thursday morning, before we left for Utah, we put in our winter lawn.  (This is a phenomenon of Arizona, so that you can have the joy of yard work year-round.)  David and the boys peregrinated all over town looking for the best deal on rye seed, and eventually arrived home with 50 pounds of seed and 10 large bags of manure.  We are now watering three times a day, shooing the birds who are enjoying their yearly feast, and watching carefully for the first bright green sprouts.   

peregrinate  /vt./  4.  On Friday morning, David wanted to take us all to hike "the Y" which is painted on the side of one of the mountains near BYU campus.  As we peregrinated our way up the mountain, the kids could no longer see the actual "Y" and got discouraged by the steepness of the climb.  We made lots of stops along the way.  All this faded away when we arrived though, and everyone was busting at their accomplishment.

peregrinate  /vt./  5.  Before the football game on Saturday afternoon, we peregrinated all over Utah county showing the kids all the places and things we remembered:  the Creamery, our first apartments, the library, the Wilk, the bookstore, Bridal Veil falls, and of course, fry sauce (which they serve everywhere).

peregrinate  /vt./  6.  On Saturday at 3:30, we peregrinated to the south bleachers and climbed our way to the top of the football stadium.  It was cold (but not wet) and we were bundled in beanies and blankets.  It was such a thrill to be in Cougar stadium again and I kept stealing looks at David and feeling so lucky to be there.  And I secretly hope that this trip will become an annual tradition.   

When Ethan saw this picture he said, "I was yelling DE-FENSE!"  I know, love.  I remember.

peregrinate  /vt./  7.  We parked on the opposite side of campus to go to the game so that we could see campus by foot on our way watch the Cougars play.  While David especially loved this walk down memory lane, the kids did not appreciate peregrinating all those miles on the way back to the car after the game was over.  We kept having to stop in various buildings to let them warm up, (most of which I hardly recognized as they have all been made-over since I was here last). 

peregrinate  /vt./  8.  On the way to and from Utah, I peregrinated away from "my usual kind of book" and read a crime thriller set in post-war Stalinist Russia in the fifties.  I enjoyed it thoroughly and even cried at the end.  If you're looking for a page turner, this one will get you emotionally too. 

It Adds Up

Savannah came home with an assignment to count all the books in her house.

She was overwhelmed by this and just that made me smile.

I helped her count.  And solved the little question David asked last night at our budget meeting: "Where does all our money go?"  Apparently, Barnes and Noble has most of it

Here are the books in our house, by the numbers:

1,088  total

(though this does not include phone books, cookbooks, music books, quilting books, or dictionaries.)

837 children's books

140 of those just in Caleb's room

I told you I had a thing for words.

I'm not sure if I should be delighted or embarrassed.

But in my defense, Ethan and I did hit the library earlier this afternoon where he checked out an armful of Halloween books and I checked out The Westing Game to read aloud in the evenings.  So I don't actually buy everything I read.

Caleb just read the numbers in this post, patted me on the shoulder, and said, "That's cool."

I am inclined to agree.

September 11th

My kids wore red, white, and blue to school today.  In honor of those who died on September 11th...it's Patriot Day.

The date reminded me of a book I read this summer called Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer,

a touching story about a boy whose dad dies in the twin towers.  It is a lovely, well-written, discovery.  I loved it and highly recommend it.  You will fall madly in love with Oskar Schell.  Happy reading.

Word of the Week: Wistfully

wistfully  /adv. /  characterized by longing or yearning.  to be reflective in a pensive or even melancholy way.  with musing.  suggestive of deep thoughtfulness.   

wistfully  /adv./  1.  I wistfully composed quite a few posts in my head this week while I was in the shower.  However they never actually made an appearance on my blog due to my workload outside of said shower.  I am now wistfully dreaming of a waterproof laptop.

wistfully  /adv./  2.  Olivia finished reading On the Banks of Plum Creek this week and so we headed for the bookstore on Thursday afternoon to get the next book in Wilder's series.  On the way home I overheard this conversation between the girls after Olivia extolled the virtues of all things Laura Ingalls Wilder:

Savannah:  Why are you talking "western"?

Olivia:  Maybe I am a western girl.  (and then very wistfully)  Someday I'm going to go out west, like to Kansas or Wisconsin and be a western girl.

We are almost as far west as you can get, but apparently geography is not Olivia's strong suit.  However, wistfulness definitely is.

wistful  /adj./  3.  There is just about nothing that makes me so happy as to see my children consumed by great literature.  I have nothing but wistful, sentimental feelings towards my own travels through the books of my childhood.  And so this scene brought me nothing but exquisite joy:

In my defense, I did do Olivia's hair this morning, but then what we laughingly refer to as "The Ranch Incident" happened at lunch...

We arrived home from the bookstore, but the girls were so engrossed in their new books they were completely unaware and uncaring that the car had stopped.  I finally fetched them out 10 minutes later when I was sure they would die of heat stroke.

wistfully  /adj./  4.  This weekend was our ward's Fathers and Sons Outing.  The boys had a great time camping and hiking with David, but especially loved shooting bb guns.  David reported that Caleb is a terrific shot and almost the first thing out of his mouth when they arrived home was that maybe we should get Caleb a gun for his birthday.  What in the world?  That was definitely on my list of sentences I never thought I would hear.  I immediately protested.  ("He'll shoot his eye out.")  Even more concerning, Ethan has already started wistfully campaigning for a bb gun of his own for his birthday.  Somehow I don't think this will end well.

My little warrior looks a little too comfortable with this Red Ryder bb gun.

wistfully  /adv./  5.  After wistfully longing for summer vacation since last September, we are down to single digits...only 9 days left.  I can hardly stand it.  I have big plans for nothing, and all of it spent together.  My idea of heaven.

wistfully  /adv./  6.  I spent much of the week sewing quilts for my five laurels who are graduating in less than two weeks.   This has meant quite a few hours in front of my sewing machine and, unfortunately, even a couple hours of one-on-one time with my handy dandy seam ripper.  I started the quilting on this one, but hated the design and ended up pulling it all out and trying something else.  I am thrilled with the final result, but wistfully wish I had those unpicking hours back.

The pattern is ridiculously simple (a must when you're mass-producing 5 quilts in a week), but aren't the fabrics just yum?

The Culmination of "Read Across America Week"

Today is the last day celebrating "Read Across America Week."  To commemorate the day our elementary school lets the kids dress up as their favorite book character and they give prizes for the best likenesses.  My kids look forward to this every year.  I hate most anything to do with costumes, but somehow because it's all about books, I'm a big fan too.  Last year Savannah was Kevin Henkes' "Lily" and I hunted all over town for some red cowboy boots and sparkly green-rimmed glasses.  It's still one of my favorites, but then I have a thing for Lily anyway.  So darling.

Anyway, this year Olivia chose to be Daisy-Head Mayzie from Dr. Seuss...

 

And Savannah was Ian Falconer's Olivia...

 

How'd we do?

Word of the Week: Eschew

eschew  /vt./  avoid and stay away from deliberately; to avoid or shun.  abstain.  forego.  renounce.  evade.  refrain.  duck.

eschew /vt./  1.  I eschewed most of my housework this past week in favor of finishing East of Eden.  After about 200 pages I just couldn't leave it alone.  It was an absolute masterpiece.  Brilliant.  And, I hope, life-changing.

eschew /vt./  2.  After my most delightful experience in East of Eden this week and Anna Karenina last month, I am seriously considering eschewing (for a little while) any books not considered " a classic."  There is so much outstanding and remarkable literature out there that I have never read, and I find that these classics have a perspective on the human condition that is true, universal, and timeless.   For me, they provide an impetus for change...as I see myself in Anna, in Cal, in Liza, in Cain.

eschew /vt./  3.  Ethan and I managed to eschew the inside of our four walls, in favor of the outside with three glorious trips to the park this week.  A blanket, lunch, and books.  Heaven.  At least for one more month.

eschew /vt./  4.  At David's prodding, we eschewed all our Saturday chores (yes, the weeds in my front yard continue to flourish) and headed north to find some snow.  We spent the day at Wing Mountain sledding, and building snowmen, and getting sunburned.  It was boiling hot and eventually we eschewed our winter gear and shucked our coats and hats.   Ethan was  a daredevil, and my bottom is complaining today that I am much to old for such fun, but we could not have had a better day.

 Caleb and I even attempted an igloo...harder than it looks.  (I realize I'm eschewing most of my self-respect and dignity by posting this photo.)

eschew  /vt./  5.  I have an absolute hatred of and phobia towards public restrooms.  I will do almost anything to eschew them.  This is not easily done with small children.  My phobia is so intense I have been known to send my children in alone...standing guard outside...because my terror is almost insurmountable.  However I have learned a few tricks along the way to use only in extreme emergencies.  On Saturday, while we were sledding at Wing Mountain Savannah needed to go.  There are only porta-potties on the mountain and after Savannah took at look at them, she could not bring herself to use them.  She was completely desperate.   I taught her my  tricks [much too absurd to share] and she conquered her fear.  I had no idea these were the kind of skills I would pass on to my daughters, but there you are.

eschew /vt./  6.  I swallowed my pride this week, and renounced my dislike of ballroom dancing.  (I have a no exception rule eschewing and banning any kind of dance show on our television.  This has not changed.)  But they are offering free dance lessons at the hospital (random and weird, I know) this month and David and I went and learned the waltz on Wednesday night with some of my young women.  It was surprisingly fun (even though we were still counting "1-2-3" out loud at the end of the night) and made me tempted to come back for the fox trot this week.

I just need to be six inches taller...even four would make a difference, don't you think?

I Am Anna Arkadeyevna

I finished Anna Karenina last night.  *Deep breath.*  And I was astounded by many things.  (You can check recommended reading for my full review.)  But the one which has me quite disconcerted is this:  I am Anna Arkadeyevna. 

Yes, really.

Our similarities are so striking, it's a little scary.  What do we know about Anna?

• She is unbelievably gorgeous.
• Men fall in love with her after one meeting.

Check.  check.

• She lives in Russia.
• She committed adultery and feels absolutely no remorse.

Okay, maybe we're not exactly alike.  (Thank heavens.)

But here's the rub...her CIM and my CIM have the exact same script!  I kept thinking, "She's crazy.  She's crazy.  She's just got to stop thinking!"  As I was telling David all about her and how she ends up in the way she does, he was grinning from ear to ear.  Because he knows as well as I do, that I'm as crazy as she is.

"She did not want strife, she blamed him for wanting to quarrel, but unconsciously put herself into an attitude of antagonism."

"She was glad of this appeal for tenderness.  But some strange force of evil would not let her give herself up to her feelings, as though the rules of warfare would not permit her to surrender."

"For an instant she had a clear vision of what she was doing, and was horrified at how she had fallen away from her resolution.  But even though she knew it was her own ruin, she could not restrain herself, could not keep herself from proving to him that he was wrong, could not give way to him."

"She felt like a fight."  (This line alone!)

"And remembering all the cruel words he had said, Anna supplied, too, the words he had unmistakably wished to say and could have said to her, and she grew more and more exasperated....All the most cruel words that a brutal man could say, he said to her in her imagination, and she could not forgive him for them, as though he had actually said them."  (Ha!  Seriously, how did Tolstoy know?)

Some of you, those who don't know me well, are by now shocked and horrified.  Those of you that know me well are simply nodding your heads, empathetically wondering how David has managed to hold me together all these years.  Occasionally I read a book that changes my behavior.  Angle of Repose was like that for me.  I hope Anna Karenina will be the same way.  That I will remember Anna when my resolution to embrace wavers.   Stop thinking, be quiet, and embrace. 

Word of the Week: Charily

charily  /adv./  gingerly,  carefully.  warily.  guardedly.  cautiously.  also sparingly or frugally.   

charily  /adv./  1.  Olivia charily faced her first detention this week with fear and trepidation.  Upon arriving home she reported that she was the only one (of three) that showed up for the detention.  The other parents called and "threatened the teacher" (her words, not mine)  and got their children excused.   She was a bit disgruntled that her parents had not come to her aid, but I charily explained why I thought it was important she take responsibility for her actions...and she reported that she felt good about this too.  All's well that end's well.  And there was no poisoning or hitting, always a plus.

charily  /adv./  2.  I began reading Anna Karenina after Christmas vacation.  I admit I started the book charily, a bit daunted by its size and my recollection of the complexity of War and Peace, in combination with my limited reading schedule.  But I find myself absolutely hooked, and quite unable to concentrate on my "to do lists."  Last night I even dreamt about Kitty and Levin.  My guarded admiration has turned into a full-blown crush.   

 I am most stunned by Tolstoy's remarkable insights into life, that apply to me as easily here in the 21st century as they did to the people who first read his book.  I offer this pearl as evidence:  "...the children themselves were even now repaying her in small joys for her sufferings.  Those joys were so small that they passed unnoticed, like gold in sand, and at bad moments she could see nothing but the pain, nothing but sand;  but there were good moments too when she saw nothing but joy, nothing but gold."   (page 245 in my translation)

charily  /adv./  3.  We had a surprise visit from an old friend and her children this week.  I met Alexis at a back-to-school picnic/social when we were first starting grad school in Minnesota, over a decade ago.  It was one of those moments where the kinship was immediate...both of us far away from home, charily starting "real life," trying to support our brand-new husbands through their master's programs.  We haven't seen eachother since Olivia was a baby, but it felt like no time had passed at all.  All of our kids made fast friends, had an impromptu sleepover, and wept at goodbye.

This is a very old photo...she has five kids now, but it's one which I still have up in my house because I love it so much.  Our husbands look remarkably alike...their professors used to get them mixed up all the time.

charily  /adv./  4.   I chose "embrace" for my word of the year.  And the universe laughed.  This has been a most difficult week for "embracing" and today I was reminded of the scripture that says "there is a time to refrain from embracing," which only increased my discomfort with my word.   Already knee-deep in guilt and regret and "buts," I have decided to stop charily analyzing every situation where I might "get hurt" and try an "embrace experiment."  Do you remember that Seinfield episode where George decides to do the opposite of his natural instinct?  This is my idea with the embrace experiment.  I will give it one week.  I figure I have nothing to lose...just one week.  I will do the opposite of what my natural instinct is...stop running, stop fighting, stop protecting myself...(is it sad that these reactions are my natural instincts?) and try to completely embrace the people around me, no matter what.  I will do the opposite.  Turn the cheek.  Expose my neck.  Unwrap my heart.  Lay it bare.  Be vulnerable.  Without charily questioning the risks...just embrace, and see what happens. 

Maybe I will find that there is no poisoning or hitting as well.

Word of the Week: Lachrymose

lachrymose : /adj./  given to shedding tears easily.  weeping or inclined to weep.  overemotional.  teary.  soppy.

lachrymose  /adj./  1.  I thought I would be lachrymose about everyone leaving the house this week after a long Christmas break, but I was so concerned (freaking out) about the wedding cake I needed to make that I was immensely grateful for an empty house by Thursday morning.

lachrymose  /adj./  2.  My brother's wedding cake and all the subsequent drama took up the bulk of my thoughts and time this week.  On Thursday I spent about four hours baking, frosting and assembling the cake and then about eight hours rolling out fondant, over and over again.  By the end of the day I had only covered one layer and I was completely lachrymose, the tears making streaks through the powdered sugar covering my face.  I told my husband, "I just need to sit down and cry and then I'll feel better."  My son overheard this and questioned my husband about this line of "reasoning."  David just shook his head and said, "It's lethargic for her."  This turned my sobs into choking laughter as I said, "No, it's cathartic."   But even this fit of laughter soon turned lachrymose and the tears rolled again.

lachrymose  /adj./  3.  As I was sobbing into the fondant (talk about "soppy") I kept thinking of that part in Laura Esquivel's book Like Water for Chocolate, when Tita makes the wedding cake and sobs into the batter and then the whole wedding party dissolves into tears of longing after they eat it.  The whole place is wailing and eventually they all cry so hard, everyone becomes sick and the wedding is ruined.  Thankfully no one but the bride and groom ate my lachrymose cake, and they were all smiles.

lachrymose  /adj./  4.  Ethan was asked to be the ring bearer for the wedding.  I am always a bit stressed about having my children be a part of a wedding because they are unpredictable and, well, children.  When it was time for Ethan to make his entrance he became lachrymose and just stood there with tears streaming down his cheeks.  Eventually the groom had to come help the reluctant ring bearer.

lachrymose  /adj./  5.  The most touching part of the whole wedding, for me, came at the wedding luncheon.  My brother, Christian, is deaf and his new bride (Sara) is not.  We had an interpreter there for Christian and his deaf friends, but in an effort to make Christian feel part of their family, Sara's mom had learned all the sign language to a little speech that her dad gave.  She had practiced for hours.  It was one of the sweetest gestures I have ever seen, especially from two people who just gave their precious daughter away.  Both of them had tears in their eyes as he spoke and she earnestly signed their message.  Admittedly I was already lachrymose from the cake, but I couldn't help shedding a few more tears at their generosity. 

lachrymose  /adj./  6.  Last night, instead of scrubbing my kitchen down, I ignored the mess and watched the final installment of Masterpiece Theatre's version of Jane Eyre.  This has long been my favorite book and I found myself lachrymose and sobbing as Jane spoke her feelings aloud to Mr. Rochester.  (Even I have a hard time calling him "Edward.")

"It is a long way off, sir."

"No matter--a girl of your sense will not object to the voyage or
the distance."

"Not the voyage, but the distance:  and then the sea is a barrier--"

"From what, Jane?"

"From England and from Thornfield:  and--"

"Well?"

"From YOU, sir."

I said this almost involuntarily, and, with as little sanction of
free will, my tears gushed out.  I did not cry so as to be heard,
however; I avoided sobbing. 

Jane is a stronger person than I, as I could not help sobbing.  But eventually, even Jane becomes lachrymose.

In listening, I sobbed convulsively; for I could repress what I
endured no longer; I was obliged to yield, and I was shaken from
head to foot with acute distress.  When I did speak, it was only to
express an impetuous wish that I had never been born, or never come
to Thornfield.

I remember the night I read these lines for the first time.  14-years-old, 3-in-the-morning, sobbing uncontrollably in my bed.  I thought my heart would break.  And I stayed up the rest of the night reading, as Jane's fate was as precious and interesting to me as my own. 

All in all, it was a very lachrymose week and, as Jane says, "I was obliged to yield."  Oh, yes.