This new year has already had me up against the wall.

Already behind, already running. No time for thinking or reflecting or even (it feels like) breathing.

The new year and all the new beginnings it brings feels like a pressure situation to me. I have flaws. Many. Even the title of my blog speaks of my regrets. So I need to get this right.

If I could change one thing about myself it would be my "resistance." Resistance to the hearts and stories of those most precious to me, resistance to being vulnerable, resistance to asking for help, resistance to early mornings, resistance to forgiveness, resistance to joy even, resistance to being enough.

Over a year ago, I was shopping and saw this picture. I stopped and stared at it. For a long time. It made me weep. It was the way I wanted to live my whole life. Completely and wholeheartedly. Without reservation or resistance.

So my word is Embrace. Instead of fighting so hard against absolutely everything in my life, I'm going to embrace it.

I will embrace entropy

so that I can

embrace my children more

and

embrace the joy of their growing and the moments I get with them

I will embrace my husband more completely

and wholeheartedly, and hold less back from him

I will embrace what scares me most

and at least try to write

I will embrace my life exactly as it is

with all its imperfections and heartaches

and embrace the truth that

my Heavenly Father only gives good gifts.

This will be hard for me. Embrace. To be honest I already feel the resistance rising inside me. But the alternative is only regret. And I am finally so deeply, profoundly tired of putting up this ridiculous resistance.

The only hope, or else despair,
Lies in the choice of pyre or pyre--...
We only live, only suspire
Consumed by either fire or fire.
--T.S. Elliot, Four Quartets