Word of the Week: Querulously

querulously: /adv. /  with complaint. grumblingly, huffily or irascibly. peevishly. petulantly. testily.  acting sour, whiny or thin-skinned.

querulously  /adv./  1.  I am sorry to say that I'm even typing querulously tonight.  So those of you who only like really ebullient posts better keep moving.

querulously  /adv./  2.  I honestly thought I could rise above my word this week.  You know, do a whole post about how my kids behaved querulously, how the girl at Bed, Bath and Beyond only querulously let me return some pillowcases even though I had the receipt, but how, despite all that, I was able to maintain my composure and cheerfulness.  This was, unfortunately, not the case.  I am quite huffily sitting here reviewing my week, not sure whether to growl or weep, querulously berating myself for choosing such a stupid word.

querulously  /adv./  3.  I have been sick enough to be miserable all week, but not sick enough to stay in bed.  My husband has been sick this week too.  And by the time he heads for work in the morning he will have been in bed for 31 of the last 38 hours.  When he rose for a moment this evening I querulously asked him, "Shouldn't you be in bed?"  Ah yes, life with me is just heaven on earth.  Don't worry.  As sick as he sounds, he will be at work on time and all day tomorrow.  A miraculous recovery.  (That last sentence is supposed to be read with a querulous grumble.)

querulously  /adv./  4.  After months of querulously noting that my girls' hair just "never looks good," I took them for haircuts on Friday afternoon.  They were thrilled to be at the salon and delighted with the final results as well.  I loved that their haircuts made them look like little girls again, and made me relieved to think that they are still mine for at least a few more years.

   

querulously  /adv./  5.  After picking more weeds on Saturday afternoon, the kids declared they were dying (from the heat) and querulously begged to go swimming.  I repeatedly told them how cold the water would be, but they declared, "We want to be cold."  In the end, I surrendered and took them over to my parents' house for  a dip.  After the first jump in, Ethan told me he almost drowned...that it was so cold he forgot how to swim.  So, I put a life jacket on him, but he didn't go in again.

  

querulously /adv./  6.  Two weeks ago I mentioned "a maelstrom" that I couldn't talk about yet.  Well, today my second counselor (in the YW presidency at church) got released to serve as our new Primary president.   For two-and-a-half years she has held me up and sustained me,  and I cannot think how I can do this job without her.  When the responsibilities have been too heavy to carry alone she has truly been the one to lend her shoulder, her hands, her time, her heart, whatever was required.  I shall so miss serving side by side with her, and querulously wonder if I have the energy and stamina to find a new counselor and "keep going."  Clearly, an attitude adjustment may be in order because somehow, I do not think "enduring to the end" was meant to be done querulously. 

Head Colds and Other Stuff in my Head

I've had a cold for two days and that is two days too many.

After a bad night last night and a long, painful day today, David insisted that I take some cold medicine before bed.  He gave me the "Nighttime stuff" as it's normally supposed to help you sleep and wake up feeling better.  Apparently I am not normal, but that will hardly come as a surprise to most of you, because it's a bit past eleven and I feel more awake than I have all day.  Lovely. 

(It might interest you to know that CIM thinks the "Daytime stuff" got accidentally mislabelled and packaged in the "Nighttime stuff" box.  But RIM would like to point out that CIM also thinks that the worldwide obsession with Purell is also going to lead to the next major pandemic.)

CIM:  Well, don't say I didn't warn you.

RIM:  (all supercilious eyebrows)

CIM:  I'm just saying.

I missed Young Women's tonight.  We were going horseback riding for our combined activity.  Just before it was time to leave, I went in to put on some make-up (I didn't want to spook the horses).  By the time I had finished that job I was exhausted.  I walked back into the family room and had to sit down and rest.  Admittedly it is quite a job to get me looking presentable, but even this seemed a bit extreme, so I called for reinforcements and stayed home.  Other than a couple of family vacations, I think it's maybe only the second or third time I've missed Young Women's in two-and-a-half years.  (The "inside-me's" are now battling it out, fighting over feeling guilty for not being there and feeling content that the rest of the population was not exposed to my head cold.  However, I'm not sure which voice is "reasonable" and which voice is "crazy" in this discussion so I will spare you the gory details.  It's not pretty.)

Did you hear I'm getting the mother-of-the-year award?  Last night Ethan came in our room to ask for help because "water wouldn't stop coming out of his nose."  I have no recollection of this.  Olivia found him crying, wandering the house and after helping him blow his nose, tucked him in bed with her.  And then this morning Caleb came in and yelled in a panic, "Mom, get up! I'm going to be late for the bus."  I asked him why he didn't wake me earlier.  He said he did.  I did not hear my four-year-old, my alarm, or Caleb the first two times.  But I swear I heard Dave every time he rolled over and started snoring.  I kept nudging him all night, wiping my nose and readjusting my pillow.  I could have sworn I didn't sleep at all.  There is, however, quite a bit of evidence to the contrary.

RIM:  (shaking her head in shame) 

CIM:  Don't look at me like that, I already know I've scarred them for life.

RIM:  (a pathetic little sigh)

CIM:  Does scarred have two "r's"?  Oh, yeah, otherwise it'd be scared.

RIM:  (disdainfully huffy) They're probably that too. 

CIM:  Does this mean I have to give that award back?

A Crisis of Confidence Among Other Things

My head is spinning this morning...no real idea what to write, but feeling a need to say something in order to quiet my brain.  So this may be random and rant-like.  Ran-derful.

1.  We had New Beginnings for the young women in our church congregation on Wednesday night.  On Tuesday night with my list still long and my heart in full-fledged panic, I had to go to a meeting for something completely different.  I was reluctant to attend and had the thought that maybe all the parents of my young women and the young women themselves, were probably all just as reluctant to attend New Beginnings and, among other things, listen to me talk again.  I was seized by angst and beside myself thinking about the evening we had planned and what was surely going to be  a waste of everyone's time.

My husband's response:  "You do this [freak out] every time.  It'll be fine."

But as I got closer and closer to the event, my heart was failing. 

I had written a little skit for part of the night...just to make the girl's laugh with their leaders, and teach a little point...and feeling sick about the whole thing, I asked my counselor, "Is the skit just dumb?"

Silence.

Then she said, "Um.  Well, I think it teaches a point."

Okay...

This is not good.

By Wednesday at 5, I was beside myself.   As you can imagine, RIM and CIM were raging.

And after all that...it turned out beautifully.  I honestly think it could not have gone better.  I believe it blessed the girls' lives.  So why the crisis of confidence?  Why can't I just have more faith?  Why do I berate myself?

My house was a wreck.  Still is.  (Just didn't have the heart to do anything yesterday.)  Why can't I just prepare...steady and confidently...so that I don't have these crises of laundry and faith, where everything stops and I lose my mind for three days?

I don't know.  But it's a problem.

2.  Our theme for New Beginnings was "Put Your Best Foot Forward."  And I had all the girls bring one of their shoes to display, something that said something about them...their talents, or their personalities.  It was like a little snapshot of each of them.  Very fun.  The little skit was all about the "De-Feets" of Personal Progress, excuses that they might meet along their way to getting their YW medallions.  (Busy feet, Casual feet, Old feet, Baby feet, Tired feet, and Finished feet.)  My laurels spotlighted the new girls who entered our program and my mia maids did a beautiful musical number.  My heart was busting with pride for all of them.

Anyway, I don't have a good picture because there were too many people by the time the girls arrived with their shoes, but this gives you a little idea.

My short remarks were about the 2008 theme of "Steadfast and Immovable," which went right in with our feet theme.   At the end of it, I talked about the rainboots...how they need to be steadfast and immovable because "the rains" will come.  (The rains came down and the floods came up, and the house on the rock stood still.)

3.  Yesterday I met Rachel and Christine and my aunt Tori  over at my mom's house for lunch and a meeting about Quilt Retreat this year.  (All you Family Piecers out there, get ready...it is going to be so much fun!  Your invitations should be in the mail next week...provided I finally get my Monday laundry done today.)  Every year all my aunts and their girls get together for a big quilting/sewing/talking/laughing weekend.  (This is our eleventh year!)  And this year it's our turn to plan and host it and we are so, so excited.  To quote my cousin Andrea, "Can life get any better than this?  I submit that it CANNOT!"  It is the exact antidote for a crisis of confidence...to be in a house with 30 women who love you and know you and believe in you despite what they know...to laugh and talk and cry with them...it is the best therapy, the most fun, and I absolutely cannot wait. 

This is our group photo and "finished" project from 2006...(we celebrate all the various "states of doneness").  Do we look tired?  We haven't slept in three days...I can't wait!

Word of the Week: Cosset

cosset : /vt./  to treat as a pet, pamper.  coddle.  overindulge.  dote on, cater to.  cuddle.  nurture.

cosset  /vt./  1.  For Christmas (and much to my delight), David cosseted my vain side and gave me a whole bunch of MAC cosmetics.  Of course I had no idea how to use them properly, so I made an appointment for a make-over at Nordstrom's on Friday morning.  David went with me, and explained that he had bought me all this make-up, but had no idea if he had chosen the right things.  Then he had to step away to take a phone call from work. 

After he left, the girl who was doing my make-up asked, "So did you get anything fun for Christmas, besides a whole lot of MAC cosmetics?" and then before I could answer she said, "That was really nice of your friend." 

I thought, "Friend?!"  And then giggled and hooted inside at her assumption.  

David asked me why I didn't just explain.  I told him it would have blown her mind.  Married 12 years, 4 kids, and still don't know how to put on make-up.  She didn't even think I could manage to keep him as a boyfriend...let alone all the rest.   The kind and merciful thing to do was to leave it alone. 

cosset  /vt./  2.   I have been relishing every minute of the last week...with all of us home, together.  And have spent most of the time cosseting my husband and children.   We have spent hours and hours playing "Ticket to Ride" (US and European versions) and "Mexican Train" and "Settlers" and a whole lot of "Canasta."  David and Caleb even got in one long game of "Axis and Allies."  Hibernation is delightful.

cosset  /vt./  3.  I took one small break from all that hibernation to cosset my young women and take them ice skating.  We had a great time playing on the ice...especially once I got my skating legs under me again.  I only had one bad fall and thankfully my knitted beanie cosseted my head and saved me from cracking it wide open.

cosset  /vt./  4.  Real life is going to be a brutal re-entry on Wednesday morning.  I have been completely cosseted this past week and a half...sleeping in, staying up late, pajamas and games all day, everyone home, including David.  Spoiled indeed.  I have been having that melancholy-Sunday-evening-feeling-of-looming-abandonment for the past couple  of days.  Mourning the moving clock and regretting the march of the calendar.  I am definitely dragging my feet and will probably be really and truly grief-stricken by tomorrow evening. 

Word of the Week: Sedulous

sedulous /adj./ persistently or carefully maintained. diligent in application or attention.  persevering, determined.  plugging. tireless.

sedulous /adj./  1.  I wish I hadn't chosen "sedulous" for the word of the week.  It seemed to define my whole week, and made me wish I had chosen "felicity" or "ameliorate" or even "rapture."  I could use some rapture.

sedulous /adj./  2.  My Christmas cards are still in a terrifying state of undone-ness.  David was my sedulous administrative assistant yesterday, trying to help me find correct addresses and enter them into the computer.  This was a monumental job.   My version of an address book is  just a big file (my idea of organization...ha!) where I throw scaps of paper with addresses scribbled on them (with or without a NAME!).  Yesterday I found three addresses just for Kelly jammed into this "file."   Then comes the exciting game of "Name The Current Location!"  And this is only half the battle...I did work sedulously on my Christmas letter this week, but it still needs to be folded and stuffed, not to mention writing the actual cards.  

sedulous /adj./  3.  It was also another week of sedulous work in the kingdom of God, culminating with a talk I had to give yesterday in sacrament meeting.  (So happy to have that out of my head.)  My assigned topic was our 2008 YM/YW theme "Steadfast and Immovable" from Mosiah 5:15.  (See, even the talk theme was just more synonyms for "sedulous."  Crazy.) 

sedulous /adj./  4.  Yesterday was my mom's 58th birthday.  She is the very definition of "sedulous."  Everything in her life has been carefully maintained, and she is the most persevering, tireless person I know.  She raised nine children, and I cannot comprehend the kind of commitment and covenant and "plugging" resolve that required.  Most days I wonder, "How did she do this?"  She is a wonder and wonderful.  And I love her.   I see how she gave up her life for me and spent every day sedulously working for my blessing.  Happy Birthday, Mom.

sedulous /adj./  5.  I'm not sure how to talk about this last definition, other than by saying that some weeks it is easier to be sedulous than others.  Some weeks the fetal position looks entirely more inviting than the plugging tirelessness required to keep going.  Sometimes perseverance requires real, concerted, purposeful effort.  This week was like that for me.  But through it all, I felt the tender mercies of the Lord surrounding me.  He is always there for me, and I offer my humble testimony that He knows me and takes sedulous care of my heart. 

Word of the Week: Dragoon

dragoon /vt./  to force someone to do something. coerce.

dragoon /vt./ 1.  Mostly by guilt and even a few tears, my children finally dragooned me into putting up the Christmas decorations.  I don't know why I detest this job so much, but the deed is done.  My real problem is that I think Christmas decorations look absolutely garish in the light of day, and only really like them twinkling away at me at night.   Also, it really has been too hot to even think about Christmas.  Then Friday, it clouded up and rained (real winter weather for sure) and so I pulled out the boxes.  Honestly, I am a big fan of the old-fashioned English Christmases...where you go gather holly and pine boughs on Christmas eve, light some candles and (voila!)...one magical night to celebrate the birth of the King of Kings.

(my new wool wall...it's supposed to be snowman supplies...minus the snow.)

dragoon /vt./  2.  Our bishop asked the young women to clean the church every Saturday until the end of the year.  I felt put-out, over-worked, and a bit fed-up.  All week, I fussed inside between acknowleding that I was lucky to have a building to clean and worship in, and feeling dragooned into giving up my precious Saturday morning for "more church service."  (Prone to wander, Lord I feel it.  Prone to leave the God I love.  Oh, yes.)  I had a wonderful experience, though, cleaning and scrubbing with "my girls" (who only needed gentle persuasion to show up and help...they are so good.)  I felt lighter and happier as I left that building than I have this whole holiday season.   And wondered, again, why I have to be dragooned into doing anything for the Lord...because, as usual,  any bread I cast upon the water, comes back toasted and buttered.

dragoon /vt./  3.  We went to Amy and Jim's house last night for dinner.  (I know, I know...lucky me.)  This was the first time we've ever really met Jim (he doesn't remember us from the wedding reception...other things on his mind apparently).  He said he was being dragooned into being "demure" for our benefit...but I believe he really is that charming and gracious.  The food was incredible...even cake for dessert.  (I never get to the cake part of hosting...just getting the meal on is a job.)  The conversation and the company were even better than the food (and that is saying something!) and I was again so grateful for the forces that have been at work to bring us back together.   And even better than just back together...together with "our one-and-only's" which somehow made us more complete and whole than I remember.  We had to dragoon the kids into the car when it was time to leave...they begged and begged to stay...and Jim offered the spare room.  I can't wait to have them over this way...we don't have a spare room though, so they'll have to bring sleeping bags. 

My Real Occupation: Firefighter

I went to breakfast with Amy this morning (how delightful, I know you're all jealous) and she commented that she missed my blog this week.  How kind, really.  To be missed.  Just when I was thinking of quitting...because here is the truth:  I know I spend my life posing as a mom, a wife, a young women's leader.  But really I'm a firefighter.  I spend my life running from one fire to the next.  I always think someday I'm going to "get it all together" and do whatever it is that will prevent these raging blazes...you know, clear away brush or remove the dead wood.   But instead, I'm always just seeing what's on fire today and trying to put out the blaze most likely to consume me.   And while I'm spraying water on that, the rest of my life is in the background just smoking...waiting it's turn to flare.

This week was Young Women in Excellence.  Ah, yes.  Lots of work, with a huge paycheck.  After nights like these I always think I'm the luckiest girl in the world...to have the calling I have, to love these girls, and especially to have a husband that will make scrambled eggs for everyone and help me bead necklaces at 10:30 at night because I just came up with a "brilliant idea."

The other day I was delivering invitations for our big event and I had Olivia and a couple of her friends in the car.  The school bus was just dropping off the junior high kids and so we stopped to wait for them to disembark.  As we sat there, about ten of my young women pushed down the bus windows and started waving and hanging out the bus windows,  screaming, "Sister P**! Sister P**!"  (Happy to see me and not afraid to let everyone know.)  Olivia turned to me in utter amazement and said, "Mom, you're a rockstar!"  My heart just about burst open right there.  No I'm not a rockstar, but I'm a young women's leader, and for that I am so grateful.

Here is one picture from last night.

It was very simple, but my girls gave amazing testimonies as they talked about their projects and how the gospel has blessed their lives, and this made the evening incredible.

Our theme came from D&C 64:33...and I used President Hinckley's talk about how the gates of eternity turn on small hinges.  How the little things matter.  Somehow (I never know how this happens, but it always does) I ended up making these necklaces from little hinges I found at Home Depot.  When David came home to find me madly beading away, he just covertly rolled his eyes and then graciously asked what he could do to help.  Bless him.  Anyway, the girls loved them, and hopefully they understood what I was trying to say.

I do have a few more fires today...all the laundry and dishes I've put off for three days...but they are the slow-burning, smoldering kind that will keep for a moment.  Deep breath.  David just called.  He locked his keys in his car.  Those other things will have to wait...I've got a small car fire to put out. 

A Labor of Love and a Sigh of Relief

 This year I have been giving these scripture bags as birthday presents to my young women and yesterday I finished the last one.  I ended up making 32 of them over the course of the year and I can't tell you how happy it makes me to see my young women carrying them around.  They are all unique...I tried to think about each girl as I picked out my fabrics.  And some of the fabric combinations have been so delicious that I can hardly stand it.    (If you want to know how to make them, you can click here.) 

I have loved doing this project this year, which seems appropriate since I'm madly in love with the girls who carry these little bags around.  

To quote from a new favorite book by Joelle Hoverson, "... it's wonderful to know that what we make--whether it takes just a few hours or much longer--can be lived with, used, and treasured for years to come by the people who are special to us."  Amen.