An Overabundance of Cortisol and Other Problems

I'm officially stressed.

My cortisol is now running the show.  And she always makes a mess of everything.

I told David this morning, "I don't think I would be near this stressed if I wasn't going to Utah today."  He said, "I would agree."  Just that.  Just calmly, mildly agreed with me.  Maddening!  I've got enough cortisol in me to fight or flight my way through Armageddon, and he just agrees with me.  Argh.

And the whole entire point of going to Utah in the first place was to get recharged, rejuvenated, destressed, and filled up.  I'm seriously contemplating not going, and David can't understand this.

"What do you have to do?"  He asks this as if he is completely mystified.  As if my life is just one breezy, delightful whim after another.

The problem is I've got youth conference on Saturday morning...5:30 a.m. at the church...and I don't get back home from Women's Conference (at BYU) until late Friday night.  And I need to have t-shirts, food, games, permission forms, 40 bicycles and helmets, sunscreen, and water ready to go.  Before I get on the plane this afternoon.

It's all the little things that are plaguing me now.  Don't forget spatulas to turn the hamburgers.  And matches.  Oh, and hamburgers. 

As he left, David said, "Are you okay?" 

No.  I am definitely NOT okay.  I'm freakin' out, people.

Word of the Week: Chimera

chimera /n. /  a fanciful mental illusion or fabrication.  any imaginary monster made up of grotesquely incongruous parts.  a dream, fantasy, or delusion.  a fantastic, impracticable plan or desire.  pipe dream.

chimera  /n./  1.  My plans and goals this week to write more posts between my word-of-the-week posts were apparently only a wistful chimera, made (no doubt) in a moment of supreme delusion.

This was my SPT for "Green Week."  Eating (and loving) hummus are about as green and granola as I get.  When David saw this picture in my camera he said, incredulously, "Did you really take a picture of yourself with hummus?"

chimera  /n./  2.  Savannah faced off against the Terra Nova tests (our state's test for 1st graders) this week.  Her anxiety and terror had turned these into a chimera of unbelievably difficult and horrendous proportions.   She was just sure that she would never be able to go to second grade.  She was literally coming apart when I sent her to school on Monday morning.  We did a few breathing exercises, said a prayer, and went through all the "worst scenarios" possible...all to no avail.  She could not be mollified or comforted.   I finally gave up and sent her off anyway, tears still streaming down her cheeks.   She came home with a bashful smile.

chimera  /n./  3.  The kids had a rare Friday off school and so we took full advantage of it and headed up to the mountains to camp.  It has been steadily getting warmer and warmer here and I was under some kind of delusion that it is, therefore, hot everywhere.  This turned out to be more chimera than reality.  We froze the first night and so the next day, I sent David into the nearest town with instructions to spend enough money at Walmart to keep us warm.   He did.  And commented that we could have stayed at the Best Western for cheaper.  Well.  At least I remembered to pack the swimsuits.  Yes, really.  Hey, there was a pond nearby.  And the kids may have wanted to swim once the thin crust of ice melted.

S'mor-ing it with my boys. 

chimera  /n./  4.  Ethan is completely in his element while camping.  We almost didn't go, due to the length of my current to-do list, but then while I was madly trying to cross a few things off it, Ethan said, "Mom, this is the best day of my life.  We're going camping today."  New list:  "Things to pack for camping."  (Somehow swimsuits instead of sweatshirts made it onto this list, but I digress.)  We went camping with "friends-with-toys" and Ethan was in all kinds of bliss riding quads and playing in the woods.  At one point he went flying off one of the quads (driven by a five-year-old) and after landing face down in the dirt shouted, "That was AWESOME!"  He turned into quite the chimera of dirt, popsicle, and campfire smoke.  Like I said, completely in his element.

chimera  /n./  5.  My kids rode quads for the first time this past weekend.  I was beyond nervous about this, but somehow they miraculously escaped injury and catastrophe.  (This even despite Olivia's uncanny tendency to turn her handlebars the exact opposite way she wanted to go.  I explained that you turn it just like a bike, but somehow the motor confused the whole situation.  I had a brief view of an inevitable moment coming during Driver's Ed. training.)  They had such a riot riding around, but their dreams of actually owning one of our own is simply a lovely chimera.

Feats of Strength and Airing of Grievances

(I found this "unpublished" this morning...it was written last Thursday.  Just getting around to proofing and publishing.  That sounds about right.)

From Seinfeld episode #166, airing December 18, 1997...

JERRY: And weren't there feats of strength that always ended up with you crying?

I was trying to figure out this morning how to laugh rather than cry...I don't need another headache.

I couldn't think of anything until I glanced at my to do list.  It is its usual crazy length...not a laughing matter.  But then I glanced at the top where I had scribbled a thought I had about our upcoming youth conference.  It said:

hope, perseverance, strength

I had to grin that this was randomly written at the top of a very long list.  Hope, perseverance, and strength are indeed the order of the day.

We've made it to Thursday.  No small accomplishment.  I've been performing feats of strength all week.

Word of the Week: Objurgate

objurgate  /vt. /  to express strong disapproval of, to criticize severely.  to reproach or denounce vehemently;  upbraid harshly.  berate.  chide.  scold.  reprove.  admonish sharply.  dress down.

objurgate  /vt./  1.  Most of the objurgating that goes in in my house goes on in my own head.  But these last two weeks I have gone running almost every day, not only exorcizing my exercise demons, but also,  surprisingly, clearing my head of my usual self-chastisement about anything and everything.  Perhaps CIM is appeased by endorphins.

objurgate  /vt./  2.  I am right in the middle of trying to quickly plan a ward youth conference.  Our stake youth conference was cancelled recently, but I could hardly bear to watch the date come and go without doing something with my young women.  I believe in the power of youth conference.  The young men's president and I came up with an idea that we thought would be fabulous, "Le Tour de Vida Eterna" (more details in a couple of weeks) but many others have objurgated almost every aspect of our plans.  Despite these objections we are pressing forward and now I'm only nervous that their criticisms will be validated in the end.  I've had a hard time figuring out which part is the "opposition in all things" and which part is the real and valuable, good counsel.  (Guess I was wrong about definition number 1 after all.  Apparently I can still find plenty to beat myself up about.)

objurgate  /vt./  3.  David and I took Greg and Becca (David's brother and his wife) and Beckie (David's sister) to dinner at Olive & Ivy on Friday night.  Our excuse was to show them the Scottsdale night-life, but my real motivation in going to this particular restaurant was the bruschetta.  Of course.  There is simply nothing to objurgate about this divine appetizer.  I am always tempted to go in there and order about five of these in lieu of my entree.  It's embarrassing how much I love this stuff.

objurgate  /vt./  4.  I rarely have necessity to really objurgate my children, but tonight as we were about to kneel for family prayers, Olivia made the offhand comment that Savannah probably would not do well on her tests in the morning because she wasn't going to bed early enough.  (Savannah's testing week begins tomorrow.  Why can't the school just do it all at once and get it over with?  We are seriously cracking under the pressure here.)  Savannah broke into sobs, completely devastated, and absolutely sure of her inevitable failure on the morrow.  I sternly objurgated Olivia, reminded her of her own anxiety only one week ago, and told her how disappointed I was in her complete lack of empathy.  Grrr.

I looked up from making dinner on Thursday night to find my girls outside in their towels.  Rather than objurgate them for their immodesty I simply pulled out my camera...they said it was an "emergency"...they had forgotten to bring the bunny back in after playing outside with her, and just remembered in the shower.  For heavens sake.

objurgate  /vt./  5.  Thankfully my girls are usually best friends, kind and accommodating and sweet.  They play really well together and usually their only requirement is that it be something "creative."  Their latest idea is "stop-motion" movies with their American Girl dolls.  Admittedly, I did a bit of objurgating when I found out they were using my camera, but was quickly won over when they showed me their creations.  Here is their first movie...entitled "BFF"...yeah Mom, that's "Best Friends Forever."  (In case you can't quite follow it, the story line goes:  two BFF's are walking their pets, then go to school, exchange BFF notes, which makes them so happy they do the splits and a back-flip.  Oh, I love these girls.)

objurgate  /vt./  6.  Though I usually do nothing but querulously objurgate when I talk about the monthly Cub Scout pack meeting, this week's (with all of its usual problems) was such a thrill for me as a mother.  Caleb received both his Webelos badge and his Arrow of Light.  With David's help, Caleb has made great personal progress in his scouting program.  I can hardly believe he's almost a full-fledged boy scout, and wonder how I made it through 34 pack meetings already.  In this case I am relieved and glad that all good things must come to an end.

 

Museuming

On Wednesday night we had David's brother, Greg, and his wife, Becca, come for a short spring break visit.  Thursday morning Greg went to the hospital to find out more about what it is that David actually does at work every day.  (He received a tour of the hospital at no extra charge.  Shocking, no?)

Anyway, Ethan and I had the pleasure of entertaining Becca for the morning, and wanted to go down to the Phoenix Art Musuem to see their Monet, Matisse & More exhibit, but thought it might take most of the day, so we opted for the children's museum right nearby.  They are having two very fun exhibits: one on the making of a book from start to finish (love that!) and the other called "Table Manners" which explored food and tables and dishes and utensils of every sort.  Both fabulous exhibit ideas, I say.

I love this picture.  I need to do more of this.  We're doing Matisse next week for sure.

The exhibit included lots of hands-on activities.  We designed our own china, created still-lifes, learned napkin folding, set tables, and even practiced our chopsticks at the Japanese table.  (We got to sit on the floor and practice picking up plastic sushi.  So fun.)

Ethan added a little silliness to his still life.

And hogged most of the sushi at our table.

This was one of my favorite pictures from the exhibit:

Ethan spent quite a bit of time looking at it.  It was called "Kitchen Contemplation."  I asked Ethan what he thought the woman was thinking about.  He said she was thinking, "How am I going to get these birds out of here?"  I thought she was most certaining thinking, "What in the world should I make for dinner?" 

(When Savannah saw it later she said she must be thinking, "More cleaning, less parrots!")

Fabulous.  I must leave my house more.

SPW: What Was I Thinking?

If you are a regular reader of this blog, you already know that my mental powers seem to be sadly failing.

To the point that I rarely ever know "what I'm thinking" at all, and enough to make me consider (however briefly) getting a pocket organizer.

This past weekend I found something even better.

Yoga.

Yes, really.

I have wanted to try yoga forever, but it's so hip and trendy and I am so NOT, that I always felt dumb going to a class.

Plus, I inherited some tight hamstrings.  Very tight.

But on Saturday David said he'd go with me to the yoga class at the resort we were staying at.  Somehow his willingness gave me the courage to walk in there and take off my shoes.

And it was fabulous.

I felt so relaxed, so focused, so calm.  And all of these feelings were so different.

So I'm a believer.

I'm going to Target and I'm going to walk straight past the home office section, past the various weekly and monthly planners in all kinds of colors and styles, and straight back to the exercise section.  There's a yoga mat with my name on it.

I know, I know.  What am I thinking?  RIM is seriously freaking out at this strange turn of events.

Word of the Week: Assiduously

assiduously  /adv. /  constant in application or attention, completely.  comprehensively, from A to Z, from top to bottom.  fully.  in and out.  thoroughly, through and through.  backwards and forwards.  whole hog.

assiduously  /adv./  1.  My efforts to assiduously document and record my life, my thoughts and my feelings on this blog, have definitely been stymied this week by the demands of my ACTUAL life.  I noticed that I posted 22 times in March (not counting my blessing log) and only twice so far in April.  The truth is that from now until mid-June my life is not my own and my lists are longer than my days.

assiduously  /adv./  2.  I really tried this year to assiduously use the orange crop from the "mini-orchard" in our yard.  Despite my efforts to eat and drink and give away my citrusy goodness...my trees were still full.  Yesterday the "professional" orange pickers cleaned us out and left my trees nothing but green.  It leaves me with that same feeling as when I take the Christmas decorations down...a bit forlorn and a bit relieved all at the same time.

assiduously  /adv./  3.  This past week was testing week for my kids.  Caleb and Olivia both had AIMS tests all week and this created quite a bit of anxiety especially for Olivia.  Caleb was a bit worried until the  first day when he figured out that the tests were going to be very easy.  Olivia, however, assiduously maintained her nervousness throughout the week and even when David congratulated her on "it being over" she said, "Well, now I'm nervous about my scores."  I was in charge of making sure we all ate hot, healthy breakfasts with plenty of protein and "brain foods," which I assiduously performed, surprising even myself. 

assiduously  /adv./  4.  David gave me a "night away" for my birthday and so my sister, Emily, came and played all-around-wonder-aunt to my kids on Friday night.  On Saturday morning she took the kids down to the church building for our ward's "Pancake Games," which eventually dissolved into a pancake food fight, but also involved all kinds of pancake competition, including hanging from the "pancake gallows."  Ethan (who doesn't like to lose at anything) assiduously hung on for dear life, but in the end was bested by a three-year-old little girl.  Much to his consternation.  This disappointment has not prevented him from proudly wearing his pancake medal (think an actual schellacked pancake) around his neck full-time since then.

assiduously  /adv./  5.  Since Easter, my girls have devoted themselves assiduously to all things "craft."  This week they took up knitting on round looms.  Olivia is making a hat for a woman in our ward who has cancer and Savannah took the small loom and made a hat for her American Girl doll.  She was nothing but absolutely delighted with the result.  The girls informed me that they are going to knit all summer long, to which Caleb remarked, "That's just what people need.  Hats and scarves for summer."  Olivia superciliously replied that they were "stocking up for winter." 

assiduously  /adv./  6.  After being "at the breaking point" for some time, David and I assiduously applied ourselves to R&R this past weekend.  We spent a night and day at the Sanctuary resort in Paradise Valley (aptly named, by the way).  The resort was spectacular and the get-away was wonderful, even if it was only 28 hours long, not that I was counting.  This is my idea of the perfect birthday present.  Alone time with my one-and-only.  Just what I needed.

I know David will want me to post these pictures of our incredible room(s).  This is for you babe.

Word of the Week: Ineffable

ineffable  /adj. /  incapable of being expressed or described in words. incredible. unspeakable.  not to be spoken because of its sacredness, unutterable.  incomprehensibly delightful or joyful.  transcendent.  beyond words.

ineffable  /adj./  1.  When I posted this word for the week, I honestly thought that this was not really "possible."  That no matter what happened, I could always "speak" about it, always be able to describe it, put it into words.  But I find myself full of ineffable feelings and struggling for a way to say it all.  Damn the undeniable, inevitable destiny of the word-of-the-week. 

ineffable  /adj./  2.  This week was Quilt Retreat.  Those five words are about all I can manage and seem to say it all for me.  My kids call it "Quilt Retreatment."  And it's just that.  Treatment, therapy, counselling with scissors and fabric.  This weekend with my aunts and cousins and sisters and mother, fills me in ineffable ways, reminds me that I can do my job, and I can do it with more joy and gladness.  And as silly as it sounds, it is truly almost too sacred for me to describe properly.  It means that much.  Ineffable is just the word.  This magical weekend reminds me most of Shakespeare's line:  "Converting all your sounds of woe, into Hey nonny, nonny."

I will do a proper post on all the details of the retreat when I am a bit more composed about its being over.  I'm afraid today it would be a completely sentimental, maudlin affair. 

ineffable  /adj./  3.  Because I was "off" for the weekend, David took the kids with him to Medical Staff Retreat in Tucson.  The medical staff always stays somewhere really nice and this year was no exception.  They all had a fabulous time swimming and playing when David wasn't in meetings and going to Kids Camp when he was.  One night David had all their "auras" read.  Yes, really.  (I turn my back for a minute and look what happens.)  They called me and reported the conclusions of their aura readings in awestruck voices.  Later I heard Savannah excusing her unsisterly behavior by reminding Olivia of her red and orange aura and the strong will that went along with it.  Concerned about the implications, I tried to explain to them that this was just "for fun" and wasn't an incontrovertable, definitive, lifetime personality statement.  They all looked at me utterly crestfallen, dismayed by my unbelieving heart at their ineffable experience with the aura reader. 

ineffable  /adj./  4.  This week was also my birthday.  My girls were in tears (of concern and dismay) that I didn't get a birthday cake (or pie) or "blow out the candles," but there was birthday fried ice cream which was absolutely delicious.  

I received lots of very nice presents from my sisters, my mom, my husband and my sweet kids, including a necklace that Olivia bought me to replace my wedding ring (her words).  I received a darling apron from my sister-in-law Beckie...don't you think everything I make wearing this will just taste better? 

And I got about the nicest note a girl could want from David's parents.  Made me tear up.  Plus a puzzle for the coming summer and our requisite hibernation.

My heart was also ineffably full and touched by the sweet messages of my very good friends Amy, Kelly and Tiffany, and my sister Rachel who all posted birthday wishes.  David, just reading them last night, said, "That was so fun read and to see that other people love you for the same reasons I love you."  I am so happy to be loved by these wonderful girls.  Then and now.  And cannot express my ineffable joy at how blogging has brought us all back together. 

ineffable  /adj./  5.  It was Tiffany's birthday this past week as well.  I am so grateful for her and her ineffable goodness.  There is no other way to describe her.  She is so good.  So true.  So constant.  So wise.  I remember when we were all young and dreamy having a discussion about the qualities we wanted in a husband.  Tiff said she wanted someone who was kind.  "Kind?"  I said dismissively.  "Any quality in the world and you pick 'kind'?"  And as it turns out, it is the only quality that really matters in a marriage.  She was always that wise.  Happy Birthday, Tiff.

ineffable  /adv./  6.  Inspired by Kelly's post, I have tried a few new hair do's on my girls this past week.  But somehow since the last time I french braided their hair, my girls have grown up.  My girls were all giggles to discover that I needed to stand on our little step stool in order to braid the top of their heads and reminded me that they used to be the ones to have to stand on the stool.  I was reduced to tears at this observation and when they questioned me I could only shrug ineffably.  How could I say that in just one moment they had gone from little to grown, from "at-my-breast" to "out-the-door"?  How could I say just how much I loved them and what beautiful young girls they had suddenly become?  How could I say that my life is passing as if in a dream and how badly I wished we could all be just here, in this moment, forever?

SPT and My Life by the Numbers

1 picture of me for "Self-Portrait Tuesday" just

48 hours before 

24 of my favorite people in the world arrive to spend

70  hours quilting and laughing and talking and

2 hours sleeping.  Incidentally, I am accepting

0 excuses from my husband because this is the

1 weekend per year that is all mine, and he has known about it for

365 days.  And for those of you not keeping track, this is blog post number

101.